Rukia and Renji's Fanfiction Adventures
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: In which Rukia and Renji team up to write awful fanfiction pairing Ichigo with everybody according to a random-number generator. All Ichigo pairings will be lambasted, much brain bleach will be required, and many lols will (hopefully?) be had. Rated T for extreme crack pairings, questionable language, and things which may never be un-read. Don't say you weren't warned.
1. Prologue

_Hey, Renji. -RK_

* * *

_Hey. -RK_

* * *

_Hey. -RK_

* * *

_Hey. -RK_

* * *

_Renji. -RK_

* * *

**Rukia, you know I love to hear from you, but could you please not spam my inbox when I'm trying to work? I have about a bazillion reports to finish for Captain Kuchiki by tomorrow and I really don't need the distraction. -RA**

* * *

_But Renji, I had an awesome idea! -RK_

* * *

**Will it help me to finish my work, or will it distract me? -RA**

* * *

_It'll distract you. -RK_

* * *

**Thanks for being honest. I'm closing my inbox now. -RA**

* * *

_Hold it! -RK_

* * *

**... -RA**

* * *

**Fine. -RA**

* * *

_Have you ever heard of something called "fanfiction"? -RK_

* * *

**No. -RA**

* * *

_It's when people write fiction. About things they're a fan of. Or just things. -RK_

* * *

_It's fun! -RK_

* * *

**I'm sorry, Rukia, but I'm not seeing what you're trying to say, here... -RA**

* * *

_I think we should write fanfiction together! -RK_

* * *

_We should pick a pairing to write about and take turns! -RK_

* * *

**"Pairing"? -RA**

* * *

_Yeah, it's this thing called shipping where you choose two people you think would go well together and you write about them! -RK_

* * *

_Do you have a particular pairing you like the idea of? In ANYTHING at all you can think of. -RK_

* * *

**Nope. -RA**

* * *

**Can't think of anything. -RA**

* * *

**Definitely not. -RA**

* * *

_Are you sure? -RK_

* * *

**Why, is there a reason you're asking? -RA**

* * *

_I don't really have a pairing, either. -RK_

* * *

_Perhaps we could write lots! -RK_

* * *

**I love how you're just assuming that I'm going to write with you when I haven't even agreed to anything yet. -RA**

* * *

_What if we write about Ichigo? -RK_

* * *

_We could pair him with EVERYBODY. Just for lols. He'll never know. -RK_

* * *

**I'll do it. -RA**

* * *

_I knew you would! =) -RK_

* * *

_Right, I've sorted out a random generator with EVERYBODY'S names in it, so we can pick our first victim. Hee hee, this is going to be so fun! -RK_

* * *

**Author's notes: Just an idea I had. I'm posting the first few chapters as an experiment, to see if this catches on. If it does, great, I'll write more. If not, it doesn't particularly matter. :)**

**As for the format: I'm not entirely sure. I think it's Rukia and Renji e-mailing each other or texting or something, but the ficlets themselves are going to have R&amp;R's annotations, and sometimes they'll be interrupted, so imagine the arrangement however you like. :)**

**In case you were wondering, I'm choosing the pairings with the random number generator on my calculator. I have a list of nearly all of the Bleach characters with corresponding numbers, so I'll match up the number with each prompt. :D**


	2. Toshiro Hitsugaya

_Our first victim is Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya! Looks like we're writing IchiHitsu! -RK_

* * *

**Nope. I'm not doing it. I'm not willing to so blatantly disrespect Captain Hitsugaya. -RA**

* * *

_He'll never know about it, you pansy. -RK_

* * *

_If it bothers you so much, I'll write the first one-shot. -RK_

* * *

**"One-shot"? -RA**

* * *

_The least you could do is learn the fanfic lingo, Renji. -RK_

* * *

_Watch and learn. -RK_

* * *

It was a cold day in the World of the Living, but despite the fact that this was very much Toshiro Hitsugaya's preferred type of weather, he was in a melancholy mood.

"When, oh when will my darling Strawberry come to see me?" (_See, Renji? It's a pun on Ichigo's name! -RK_) he sighed, as a cloud glittering with unshed frost passed overhead.

Toshiro's sadness permeated the city like the chilly breeze whistling between the buildings, as he thought about the unfortunate circumstances keeping him from his love. If only he could get within five miles of Ichigo's house without Isshin Kurosaki, his former Captain, recognising his spiritual pressure and knowing something was afoot! As it was, he was forced to wait for four hours until Ichigo's family fell asleep and he could sneak out to meet him.

After he had cried for a bit, Toshiro blinked and looked up to see Ichigo's orange mane glistening in the darkness like a beacon, a giant neon sign reading "I AM HERE, MY LOVE."

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Toshiro sniffed as Ichigo approached, his arms open wide, and wrapped the little Captain in a warm embrace.

"I don't normally like the warm, but you're my exception," Toshiro said, nuzzling his head into Ichigo's chest as the strawberry tenderly kissed his fuzzy white hair.

* * *

**... -RA**

* * *

**Are you kidding? That was AWFUL. -RA**

* * *

**If Captain Hitsugaya ever sees that, you can kiss your Lieutenant's badge goodbye. And probably your life. -RA**

* * *

_I told you. He's not GOING to see it. -RK_

* * *

_And are you saying you could do better? -RK_

* * *

**I bet I could. -RA**

* * *

_Right. The next pairing's all yours. -RK_

* * *

**Bring it on. -RA**


	3. Kisuke Urahara

_Your Ichi-pairing is Kisuke Urahara. Have fun. -RK_

* * *

**Are you serious? If he finds out about it I'll never be able to show my face at his shop when I need a place to stay ever again! -RA**

* * *

_You already agreed to write it. You can't back out. -RK_

* * *

_Think of it this way; having spent quite a lot of time at Kisuke's shop, you must have observed things about him which not many people know which would make your ficlet stand out from the crowd! -RK_

* * *

**Good point. I daresay there aren't many people who have seen his extensive blow-up doombot collection. -RA**

* * *

_... -RK_

* * *

_I was thinking more his favourite foods, or embarrassing childhood photographs Tessai might have, but whatever works. -RK_

* * *

**Embarassing childhood photographs. Gotcha. -RA**

* * *

Hearing a knock on the door of his shop, Kisuke made his way over to the door and opened it.

"Hello darling," said Ichigo.

"Ah, Ichigo, come on in!" said Kisuke. "I had something I wanted to show you."

Ichigo stepped inside and followed Kisuke to the area behind the shop which they all lived in and watched as his bf dug out a photograph.

"Look Ichigo, it's Jinta and Ururu back before Jinta became a little shit! He was so cute, just like you!"

* * *

_I'm going to stop you there. -RK_

* * *

**What? Why? -RA**

* * *

_Your writing is wooden, you shouldn't use contractions like "bf", and what do you have against Jinta anyway? He seemed nice enough when I went to buy sweets with Yuzu. -RK_

* * *

**THE KID IS PURE EVIL -RA**

* * *

_Okay. I think I'll be writing the next one-shot. Use the time to practice your writing. -RK_

* * *

**Okay. :( -RA**


	4. Ichigo Kurosaki

_And my next prompt is... Ichigo x Ichigo. Apparently. -RK_

* * *

_Couldn't make it up if I tried. -RK_

* * *

**How's that going to work? -RA**

* * *

_I have an idea, but it pretty much flies right past 'bizarre' and straight into the realm of the wacky. -RK_

* * *

**You sound surprised. This is Ichigo we're talking about. Have you seen his hair? -RA**

* * *

_... -RK_

* * *

_You complete hypocrite. -RK_

* * *

Ichigo looked into the mirror and smiled. The sight of his own reflection never failed to make him smile. He didn't know what it was; the distinctive, spiky hair, chiselled muscles visible even though his too-tight t-shirts, or the handsome face staring back at him, but one thing was for sure - he really really loved himself.

He trailed a finger down the mirror, taking in every gorgeous detail of his own appearance, despite the fact that it may as well have been burned onto the inside of his eyelids many years ago, and gave himself a wink. Today, he looked _hot._

Hearing Yuzu calling from downstairs, Ichigo knew that his dinner was ready, which meant he would have to leave the mirror for a while. This thought saddened him.

He pressed a quick kiss to the polished, shiny glass and slowly turned away, remembering that there was a mirror downstairs in the hall he might catch a glimpse into before his father could spot him.

"I'll see you soon," he whispered, and he departed from the room just as his reflection left through the opposite door on the other side of the glass.

* * *

**What the actual..? -RA**

* * *

**You had FAR too much fun writing that one, didn't you? -RA**

* * *

_I dare you to come up with something better with that awful prompt. -RK_

* * *

**I'll pass. -RA**

* * *

**I think I'd rather write ANYTHING other than that. -RA**

* * *

_What, even Isshin x Ichigo? -RK_

* * *

**Okay, no. But I'd still rather take my chances that the random generator doesn't come up with that. -RA**

* * *

_Okay, then... -RK_


	5. Mask De Masculine

_The random generator has assigned you... Isshin Kurosaki! -RK_

* * *

**FUCK -RA**

* * *

_Calm down, Renji. I was totally kidding. It's Mask De Masculine. -RK_

* * *

**Oh. -RA**

* * *

**That's not so bad. -RA**

* * *

_Really? -RK_

* * *

**No. I have an idea! -RA**

* * *

Mask barely had time to blink as the Soul Reaper's sword sliced through James, effectively silencing his oh-so-necessary cheers.

As the Soul Reaper in question did a bizarre and inappropriate victory dance, Mask choked back a sob as the thought of life without his one true fan hit him and he realised just how alone he was. And that was even if he could physically survive the fight without James.

However, at that moment, the clouds parted and a graceless black-clad figure hurtled from the sky, smashing into a nearby bridge at full-pelt, bringing the bridge down with his unreasonable momentum and yet somehow managing to emerge from the rubble without a single scratch.

As the figure made his way over, the sobbing Mask looked up into the reassuring eyes of the boy.

"It's all right, Mask," Ichigo Kurosaki said. "I will cheer for you."

Mask blinked back the last of his tears over James and turned to face his opponent with a new determination, knowing that with Ichigo cheering for him, there was no way he could lose this fight.

* * *

_Um. That was better, but weren't YOU the Soul Reaper he was fighting? So basically you just doomed yourself to failure, and probably death, by giving your enemy the support of the most overpowered, invincible person ever. -RK_

* * *

**Shoot, you're right. -RA**

* * *

**Whoops. -RA**

* * *

**Maybe you should take over for a bit... -RA**

* * *

_Gladly. -RK_


	6. Kugo Ginjo

_Apparently I'm writing Kugo Ginjo. -RK_

* * *

_No way this could go badly... -RK_

* * *

**No way at all, clearly. Do you have an idea? -RA**

* * *

_Several. Now, I could play on the fact that he spent ages chasing Ichigo around Karakura, or... -RK_

* * *

**You mean there's something better than that? -RA**

* * *

_I think I might actually make this one in-character! I mean, aside from the shippiness.-RK_

* * *

_Although it WAS pretty shippy how desperate Ginjo was for Ichigo's cooperation. -RK_

* * *

Ichigo sat on Ikumi Unagiya's sofa, lounging lazily as he glanced over at the stack of customer requests and decided that today he simply couldn't be bothered.

However, at that moment, there was a knock on the door.

It was Ginjo!

"Go away, I'm on my break!" Ichigo yelled through the door, just as Ikumi entered the room and slammed a pile of paper in Ichigo's face.

"_Do your job, Ichigo_!" she demanded, putting on her customer-service face and opening the door to reveal a tall guy with weird eyebrows standing on the doormat. (**I liked his eyebrows... -RA**) (_Heh. -RK_)

Eyebrow-guy stepped into the room, giving Ikumi a cursory nod, before his gaze fell on Ichigo and his heart fell through the floor.

"I have a job," Ginjo said, ignoring Ikumi and sitting down at the table, facing Ichigo. "I will pay a zillion yen for the old lady to vanish so I can eat a bowl of ramen with the orange hunk over there."

Ikumi shrugged. "Done," she decided, accepting the enormous cheque and leaving the room to cook Kaoru some gold-plated rice or something, leaving Ichigo with no choice but to complete the job.

Ginjo dug a block of noodles, some toppings, a bottle of water and a kettle out of his coat pocket and proceeded to prepare the ramen, eventually ending up with a single bowl. He pulled some chopsticks out of his pocket and offered it to Ichigo.

"Where's yours?" Ichigo asked.

Ginjo smiled. "Oh, we're sharing."

"Itadakimasu," the pair chorused.

The end

* * *

**Your mind is warped. -RA**

* * *

_You know you loved it. -RK_

* * *

**No, I can't say I did. Why did Ginjo have a kettle in his coat pocket? -RA**

* * *

_According to my book, that's the sort of thing humans carry around in their pockets. -RK_

* * *

**Rukia. -RA**

* * *

**What have we said about Harry Potter being FICTIONAL? -RA**

* * *

_Oh. -RK_

* * *

_Yeah. -RK_

* * *

**Author's notes: Guess I'm continuing! Haha :) Thank you to those who have so far favourited, alerted and reviewed, I'm glad this seems to be going down well! And yes, Renji and Rukia are of course on the list of characters who could come up, and I'm particularly looking forward to those awkward chapters, that is, assuming I don't get lynched for a chapter which is coming up in the near future. As a disclaimer to ward off any trouble I may find myself in in the future, shippers, please note: this is a parody. I am picking on _every_ ship, not just yours. Please don't take anything I may write as part of this fanfic personally. ^_^**


	7. White

**Author's notes: Yay, I wrote more! Thank you for reading, and for your reviews, favourites and alerts. I have the next two chapters written and several after that planned out, so there should be pretty frequent updates for a while. :D**

**Chapter warnings: Aside from the Naruto spoilers, the only thing worth mentioning is the fourth-wall observation and the squickiness of the pairing, but if you made it through Ichigo x Ichigo, you should be suitably desensitised. =)**

* * *

**Who am I lampooning today? -RA**

* * *

_White, apparently. You know, that weird Hollow of Aizen's who attacked Ichigo's mother before he was born. -RK_

* * *

**So THAT'S where Ichigo's bizarro Hollow powers came from? Doesn't that make White like his father? -RA**

* * *

_Genetics are complicated in this universe. -RK_

* * *

**You're telling me. There are too many people with red hair for it to be believable, it's like I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that we're all related or something! -RA**

* * *

**Like in Naruto. -RA**

* * *

_... -RK_

* * *

_I don't even want to think about that possibility. -RK_

* * *

Ichigo looked around his sideways Soul-World in wonder, marvelling at the tranquil (_good word, Renji! -RK_) emptiness of the wonky buildings.

As he stared into the distance, a spiky figure emerged from a broken window and stood in front of Ichigo.

"Ichigo... I am your father!" (**TOTAL PLOT TWIST -RA**)

Ichigo gasped. "But... but that can't be! I love you!"

The horned Hollow stared at Ichigo with as much emotion as he could muster (none) on his totally blank face. "I love you too, son. Which is why I'm going to cero the rain away for you so you don't have to suffer any more. Also demolish all of these buildings for you because you deserve a funfair instead of all this boring concrete."

Ichigo blinked away his tears before the Hollow hugged him, the touching moment only briefly clouded when the strawberry got poked in the eye by his lover's spiky mask.

"Now can I kill you?" White whispered.

Ichigo smiled. "Only if it'll make you happy, my dear."

* * *

_Congratulations. That was the creepiest, weirdest, most nonsensical thing I've ever read. -RK_

* * *

_So White is Ichigo's father, which is acknowledged, but then it gets completely ignored for the rest of the story? That's the worst kind of writing! -RK_

* * *

_I think you should send this to Ichigo. He'd love it. :] -RK_

* * *

**Um. Is that schmuck bait? -RA**

* * *

_... Maaaaybe. -RK_

* * *

**As it turns out, I can't send it to Ichigo. My inbox is on the blink. -RA**

* * *

_Pity. -RK_


	8. Ryuken Ishida

**Author's notes: Chapter warnings: You know the drill. A borderline-incestuous pairing, and fourth-wall demolition. Also Renji's non-understanding of computers.**

* * *

**Uh... yeah. Looks like you might be writing the next couple of fics, Rukia. My e-mail service is frazzled. -RA**

* * *

**Stupid broken computers. For a rich guy, your brother's pretty stingy. -RA**

* * *

_EXCUSE YOU HE IS NOT -RK_

* * *

_Fine. It was my turn, anyway. Looks like I have the privilege of writing Ichigo x Ryuken Ishida. -RK_

* * *

**Ooh, I don't envy you there. -RA**

* * *

_No, it's really easy! I already know what I'm writing. -RK_

* * *

**I meant if he finds out. The guy looks even more severe than his son. -RA**

* * *

_He won't. -RK_

* * *

_And besides which, Orihime told me she met him, and he was sweeter than a fluffy bunny! -RK_

* * *

_AND BUNNIES ARE ADORABLE -RK_

* * *

**Why do I find that difficult to believe? -RA**

* * *

Ryuken Ishida loved his wife very much. In fact, even nine years after she had died, her photograph still graced his desk, smiling at him with all the loveliness she had had in life.

However, Ryuken missed having a relationship, and the only person on the planet quite like Kanae Katagiri was her own son, Uryu Ishida, who was also Ryuken's son so that would have been quite wrong. Ryuken briefly considered everybody he knew, but he eventually decided that the only other person he could ever have thought about having a relationship with was Masaki Kurosaki, who had, after all, originally been his fiancée. Who had also been eaten by their ancestor many years ago and as such was not available.

At that moment, the door banged open and a surly scowling teenager stomped in.

"I had a headache and I didn't want to see my father," Ichigo said.

Realising that Masaki's son stood in front of him, Ryuken immediately felt Ichigo's head. "Your hair is so orange," he said, running his fingers through it. "It's almost like Masaki's, but more offensive."

"Excuse you," Ichigo said, before he was cut off by his back suddenly slamming into the wall.

* * *

**HOLD IT -RA**

* * *

**This is turning to squick. -RA**

* * *

_But wall-slamming is totally a thing that Ryuken does. -RK_

* * *

_He pinned Kanae against a wall and shouted at her in canon! -RK_

* * *

**... -RA**

* * *

**Let's just move on, okay, Rukia? -RA**


	9. Orihime Inoue

**Author's notes: Oh dear, the second-biggest Ichigo ship. I was really hoping this would come up later rather than sooner, but at least this way I won't have to worry about it any longer. This is where it really starts getting controversial and potentially-inflammatory. If this is your ship, please bear in mind that I am lampooning everything, not just IchiHime. I PROMISE IT'S NOT PERSONAL PLEASE DON'T KILL ME**

**Chapter warnings: The usual, in addition to references to a couple of canon starboards.**

* * *

Today's_ person-to-be-paired-with-Ichigo is... Orihime! -RK_

* * *

**Poor her. -RA**

* * *

_No, I'm pretty certain she likes him. -RK_

* * *

**Do they actually have anything in common? -RA**

* * *

_... -RK_

* * *

_No, not really, if I'm honest. -RK_

* * *

**They'd look sweet together though, wouldn't they? Perhaps one of us can do something with that. -RA**

* * *

_You just gave me a fabulous idea! -RK_

* * *

Orihime hummed cheerfully as she pushed the supermarket trolley down the produce aisle, dragging her boyfriend behind her by the hand.

"Are you looking for anything in particular?" asked Ichigo.

Orihime nodded. "We're out of carrots! I need carrots to dip in the Nutella."

Ichigo smiled and patted Orihime on the head. "That sounds like a wonderful combination, my darling." (_Does this seem horrendously out-of-character for Ichigo? -RK_) (**Yes. Please do continue. -RA**)

"It is! Almost as good as prawn crackers dipped in custard."

"Yum."

The pair continued walking and Orihime made a gleeful exclamation as she spotted the mass of orange on a shelf. "Here they are! Look, Ichigo, this one looks like you!"

Ichigo laughed indulgently as she held up the carrot to his head, where the orange clashed horrifically with his weird hair.

"I could say it more closely resembles you, except I would not be so insulting to describe you as a vegetable," replied Ichigo, running a hand through Orihime's long hair as she put the carrot in the trolley before she reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

* * *

**LOOOOOL. -RA**

* * *

**Seriously? -RA**

* * *

_Yeah, I don't know. I was going for the sort of thing Orihime would imagine in her sparkly-vision. -RK_

* * *

_Because you just know that ACTUAL Ichigo WOULD have done something like call her a vegetable. That boy really is a moron. -RK_

* * *

**Yeah, he kind of is, isn't he? I think you got Orihime's image of him pretty much spot-on, though. -RA**

* * *

_Actually, I really do think that Orihime would probably like to read it. Do you think you could delete our comments and forward it to her? I would, except I kind of need to deal with a plus right now; Ichigo can't konso it or it would be destroyed forever. That boy really is hopeless - why would you send a boy with a Quincy weapon to do a Soul Reaper's job? -RK_

* * *

_Talk to you later. -RK_

* * *

**Okay. Do you want the good news or the bad news? -RA**

* * *

_Let's start with the good news. -RK_

* * *

**I forwarded your ficlet! -RA**

* * *

_And there's bad news? Oh crud, Orihime didn't respond badly, did she? I thought she'd love it. -RK_

* * *

**The bad news is that Orihime didn't respond at all. Because my e-mail service forwarded it to the wrong person. -RA**

* * *

_Oh gosh, PLEASE tell me you didn't accidentally send it to Ichigo. -RK_

* * *

**I didn't send it to Ichigo. -RA**

* * *

_Oh, that's good. -RK_

* * *

**It's so much worse. -RA**

* * *

**I accidentally sent it to Ishida. -RA**

* * *

_... -RK_

* * *

**But I think I can be excused for the mistake - "Inoue" and "Ishida" are like right next to each other alphabetically. It's super easy to accidentally click on the wrong name. -RA**

* * *

_It just occurred to me that it's my brother's birthday in a couple of months and I haven't seen him for a while. Perhaps I should pay him a visit. -RK_

* * *

_Like, right now. -RK_

* * *

**Good idea. I, um, look forward to seeing you. =) -RA**

* * *

**... Please don't kill me. -RA**

* * *

**Then again, I think I might be more scared of Uryu Ishida in protective-mode than I am of you. -RA**

* * *

_You sure about that? -RK_

* * *

**... Not entirely. -RA**

* * *

**More author's notes: Fortunately for these two, Uryu never received that e-mail. When Renji asked, he was given a false e-mail address. ^_^**


	10. Quilge Opie

_I think it's probably safe to come out of hiding now. It's been a week and when I spoke to Orihime she said that Uryu had been behaving perfectly normally. Well, normal for him, at least. I'd say the risk of him murdering either of us is minimal. -RK_

* * *

_Although Orihime seemed unreasonably thrilled that I'd asked about him. -RK_

* * *

_Wonder what that's about. -RK_

* * *

**Rukia. You are my best friend, and I say this in the nicest way possible, because I care about you. If there were a competition for the most dense person in the world, you'd be a close runner-up behind Orihime and Ichigo. -RA**

* * *

_... I still don't get it. -RK_

* * *

**It really doesn't matter. Just Orihime being dense herself. -RA**

* * *

**Alright. Who's today's victim? -RA**

* * *

_Quilge Opie. -RK_

* * *

_Who the heck is that? -RK_

* * *

**Quincy guy who locked Ichigo up. -RK**

* * *

_Ooh, I think I'd like to high-five him. -RK_

* * *

**Better than high-fiving that Bazz-B. -RA**

* * *

_Do you want to write this one, Renji? I mean, if you've figured out how to actually work that computer... -RK_

* * *

**I KNEW HOW TO WORK IT -RA**

* * *

_You failed at using the mouse so hard you sent an Orihime/Ichigo ficlet to the short-fused drama-queen who has literally tried to straight-up murder people who looked at Orihime the wrong way. -RK_

* * *

**Might I remind you that, as an arrancar, Ulquiorra Schiffer was technically dead to begin with? -RA**

* * *

_Shut up and get writing. -RK_

* * *

Quilge Opie was lonely. Very very lonely.

All of a sudden, Ichigo Kurosaki turned up in Hueco Mundo! (With some other people, but let's just pretend he was alone.)

"OH MY GOSH" Quillpen exclaimed, setting his eyes on Ichigo's flaming orange hair. "I must have this guy for myself!"

And then he went yandere and locked Ichigo up in his freaky Quincy prison, because if _he_ couldn't have Ichigo for himself, he certainly wasn't going to let anybody else have a look in.

* * *

_You weren't even trying, were you? That's not even long enough to be called a drabble. -RK_

* * *

_And "Quillpen"? Really? -RK_

* * *

**I blame autocorrect. -RA**

* * *

**Also the fact that I just couldn't be bothered with his name. -RA**

* * *

_Uh huh. -RK_

* * *

**Who's next? -RA**


End file.
